


Hold on 'Til May

by highwhorelock



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, College AU, Comfort, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Modern Era, Modern Westeros, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Songfic, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-18
Updated: 2016-05-18
Packaged: 2018-06-09 05:29:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6892054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/highwhorelock/pseuds/highwhorelock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jojen observes and sees through Sansa's fake smiles. He wants to, at least, let her know that she's not alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hold on 'Til May

“She sits up high  
Surrounded by the sun  
One million branches  
And she loves every one.”

 

Jojen had fallen for Sansa ever since they were in high school. He himself back then did not know this but it was the only explanation for his impulses, the feelings he gets whenever she’s around and even the feelings he gets when she’s not. The way her mere presence just pulls him in, the way her smile makes him want to smile and the way each tear that she shed made him want to rip anything and anyone who might’ve caused it. He wasn’t afraid of admitting it, at least not anymore. What made him fall in love with her was something he can’t quite pinpoint. Her laugh, perhaps? The sunshine she brings around? The hell she manages to unleash whenever she or anybody she cared about had been wronged? It was all so lovable but he could never pick on something specific. Maybe because she’s just Sansa Stark and that alone means everything to him.

 

“Mom and dad, did you search for me?  
I’ve been up here so long  
I’m going crazy.”

 

But only an unobservant fool would not notice how her behavior changed in the night. How her mouth speak tales of happiness while her eyes betray her otherwise. Her unease with the touches he made or her flinching at his surprises before that beautiful face smooth over into a practiced smile. How she would reassure herself around strange shadows or the silent tears she cries in her pillow when she thought he was asleep. Jojen wanted to help so badly, to get her to open up and let him in but Sansa was so fragile and he didn’t want to break her any more than the damage already done. It made him angry, not at her, but at the ones who caused it. Joffrey and Ramsay for toying someone so pure beyond repair that even as she regained what was taken from her, happiness, security, her own purity, she could not see for herself. But mostly at himself for failing to find the right words to say to her in order to convince her not to keep the burdens to herself, for failing to reach her before they did.

 

“I’m only saying this because  
I know what it’s like to feel burned down  
It gets you down  
We’ve all been there sometimes  
But tonight, I’ll make you feel beautiful once again.”

 

“I knew what you did in there…”

 

The deafening silence of the night was broken by a low voice, not at all laced with sleep nor worry but sincere sympathy. He knew Sansa wasn’t asleep, he could feel her heart still beating rapidly. He felt her still in his arms but he held her comfortably nonetheless. “Of course I would know.” He continued and pressed a faint kiss to her shoulder. “I also know this wasn’t the first time.”

 

Jojen swallowed, remembering that day he caught Sansa in the tub with the bathroom door still ajar. He was supposed to be home late that night, reviewing for a long quiz the next day but had finished earlier than he thought. He sneaked in to surprise her but only saw Sansa lying in the tub, faint bubbles popping out the surface. “Sansa!” He called out and thank the gods she was able to sit up right immediately, maybe surprised by his voice. In that split moment where she drew in a sharp breath, Jojen skidded out of sight, as if he didn’t saw a thing, as if he just arrived. The boy was scared to leave her alone ever since.

 

“I’m actually surprised you didn’t hear the worry and edge in my voice earlier. I was so close to ramming that door down.” He pulled his arms away as she started to face him, blue eyes holding different emotions at the same time with tears threatening to fall. “It’s okay...” He nodded, cradling her tight and letting her bury her face onto his chest. “Cry all you want, I’ll be here to wipe those tears.”

 

And cry she did.

 

“If I were you, I’d put that away  
See, you’re just wasted and  
Thinking ‘bout the past again  
Darling, you’ll be okay.”

 

He held her in his arms as she cry, holding tears of his own at the sight of her like this. It wasn’t fair. They said that pain and hardships can make you a better person but pain can only bring you lessons if you see the light at the end of it. Sansa was blinded by her pain and all she could see was darkness and that frightened Jojen endlessly. He knew what that felt like and he did not want anybody to feel such suffering. “You don’t see it, Sans… but I do and just let me show it to you. You don’t have to do any of this. You’re beautiful and you’re loved and if you think I’m gonna let anything happen to you then you’re wrong.” His voice was shaky at the end, a few drops of tears running down his cheeks. Jojen took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “You mean more to me than just my girlfriend, yeah?”

 

He pulled away and sat up carefully, giving her a small smile while wiping those tears away with his thumb. He brought his knees close to his chest and rolled up his pajamas, showing her his legs that were adorned with scars. Some deep, some faint, others completely healed, some looked still fresh but closed, on their way to healing. He thought it would be hard, showing her his greatest shame. That she would flip out and fuss over him but then he felt her hand on one of the scars, a rather deep one and Jojen sighed in comfort. “I don’t do arms. People would see.” He murmured and met those blue eyes. “It started during junior high school, so hard to stop after then. I was always getting bullied, the freak one with a baby face they called me. I was never taken seriously and I’m always alone. Never good enough for anybody. Don’t think that I don’t understand what you’re going through.”

 

“I stopped because of you. I promised myself not to do it anymore because of you. Because I know you wouldn’t like it and I know you would hurt as well. You gave light to me in my darkest hours, Sans, and I hope I could do the same thing. I don’t want to lose you over this. I… I just can’t.” He stroked her hair and pressed his forehead against hers. “You don’t owe me anything, you don’t have to be perfect and always happy for me because I’m just messed up as you are and you give me a really good reason to wake up every morning and all I’m asking is that you find yours.”

 

“I promise that we’ll get through this. Just let me in, let me help you, okay? You’re no burden. You’re my light and if my light is burning out then I’ll do everything to keep the flame going.” He gave her a small but genuinely smile, leaning over and giving her a soft kiss.

 

They lied down after that with not much words being exchanged. They basked in the silence, not anymore suffocating but comforting. Sansa leaned her head on his chest and Jojen draped an arm over her, lips pressed to her forehead.

 

“Jojen?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I love you.”

 

“I love you too.”

 

A faint smile painted his lips and when he looked down, Sansa was asleep peacefully, those demons that threatened to swallow her whole were now at bay and Jojen planned to keep it that way.


End file.
